Ash Williams: Monster Hunter
by McHotcakes
Summary: Ongoing series about Ash from Evil Dead encountering numerous monsters and villans from other horror series. Evil Dead/Everything crossover.
1. Gremlins I

**Bound in flesh and inked in human blood the necronomicon ex-mortis, translated Book of the dead. Inside its pages contain bizarre burial rights and passages for demon resurrection. This ancient Sumerian text is responsible for all monsters and evil spirits in the world. Last time anyone checked it was lost to another dimension never to bother us again. **

**But don't think I haven't noticed all of the stuff that's been going on in the world recently. A cursed video tape that houses the spirit of a tormented young girl out east, a glass prison that held 12 ghosts and was allegedly a portal to hell was mysteriously destroyed, and a small Alaskan town was almost completely wiped out by what survivors called an "army of vampires." Now I know this seems like it's all just some made up story you'd see in those magazines with the bat boy and 500 pound lady at the supermarket but I can tell you right now from first hand experience they're all real, and they're becoming more frequent. Which can only mean one thing, the necronomicon is back, and sooner or later it's gonna come calling for me, My name is Ash and I kill monsters. **

"**Army of Mischief"**

Ash was just an ordinary teen fresh out of high school when he learned his calling. He and his friends wanted to celebrate college by going to a small cabin in the woods of Tennessee. Big mistake! While there they found the necronomicon, it possessed everyone and Ash was forced to kill them all including his sister Cheryl and girlfriend Linda. He himself was possessed but overcame it. But don't think that means he got off scot-free, the demons drove Ash insane and forced him to cut off his own hand and replace with a chainsaw. The book then transported Ash to the dark ages where he learned he was the chosen one destined to rid the world of the undead. At which point Ash returned to modern times, and following some time at a mental asylum went back to work at an S-Mart in Detroit Michigan. He was happy there he got a good thing going with a clerk Suzy and he hasn't been bothered by deadites (demons who posses others through the necronomicon) for months. There was one problem though. Across the street from the S-Mart a new Super Hal Mart was going in. There was no way they could compete with them. What's worse was that it was going to have a grand opening next week.

Suzy walked up to Ash, "I'm scared Ash, I don't know what I'd do if I lost my job."

"Don't worry baby," Ash replied, "Their lead based junk can't compete with our good old fashion service." This seemed to comfort Suzy. Ash knew there was no way they could compete and they'd be out of business in a matter of weeks.

Later after work Ash and Suzy were going out to the parking lot with two co-workers Scott and Frank when a skinny pale man with coke bottle glasses came up to them.

"Excuse me," he said "But are you Ashley, Suzy, Frank, and Scott?"

"That depends," Ash said "Who wants to know?"

The man replied "I'm Alex, the manager of the new Hal Mart across the street and-"

"Oh no you don't." Interrupted Ash "We want nothing to do with you slime balls, you're going to force us out of business." "Yeah!" agreed the others.

"It's a shame you feel that way." said Alex "Because was going to offer you all some jobs at Hal Mart."

"Jobs?" said Frank

"That's right you'd be paid fifty cents more with us and get dental."

"Well maybe we could go take a look." said Scott.

"Good follow me." said Alex who began walking toward Hal Mart quickly followed by Scott and Frank.

"I don't know about this Ashley, it doesn't feel right." said Suzy.

"It isn't and we aren't gonna take any jobs from them, I just want to have look inside and see what all the fuss is about."

"Ok," she said, and together they walked off with Alex.

The inside of the store was huge. The place was very dimly lit and only about half of the shelves had any products on them. Not to mention they were the only ones there.

"So what do you think?" asked Alex.

Ash whistled with amazement. "This place is bigger than a "Super Sized" drink at Big-Kahuna-Burger."

"Actually we have a Big-Kahuna-Burger in the store." replied Alex

"No kidding." said Ash looking around.

"By the way Mr. Williams I noticed that you had a prosthetic limb." Ash looked down at his right hand. He had cut it off and mounted a fully functionally metallic hand in its place. "Has S-Mart ever paid compensation for you working with a disability?"

"No, I get by just fine." said Ash.

"Anyway on with the tour, now as you can see we have one of the largest-" started Alex but Ash just tuned him out. He had no interest in working here and thought Alex was just your run of the mill geek. Then Ash noticed something. A ways away there was a sign that said pets.

"Any questions?" asked Alex.

"Yeah." said Ash "You guys got a pet store?"

"Indeed we do, let me show you." The group then followed Alex to the area labeled pets. "Now as you can see we don't have any pets here yet but we have all their cages set up, and we should get them in next week."

Then Ash noticed a cage with a white sheet covering it.

"What's in there?" he asked. Alex looked around puzzled then noticed the cage and smiled.

"Silly me I forgot, we did get in one pet this morning a very rare animal believed to have originated in China." said Alex.

"It doesn't have SARS does it?" Asked Ash.

"No, I assure you it's quite harmless. Here" Alex then removed the sheet to reveal a small furry creature with brown and white fur, he appeared startled at the taking of his sheet. "His name is Gizmo and he is a rare creature called a Mogwai."

"If he's so rare you probably shouldn't be selling him then." said Suzy angrily.

"Don't worry we have a permit that allows us to sell him, and watch this." Alex then grabbed a water bottle sitting by the cage and squirted Gizmo with it. Gizmo began to shake violently.

"What'd you do to him!?" Suzy said.

"Just watch." Alex said. Suzy and the others then saw that Gizmo had multiplied, now there where six Mogwai in the cage instead of one. Each one looked slightly different than the others acted differently too.

"Ooooohhhh. Ash they're so cute can we get one?" asked Suzy now mesmerized by their cuteness.

"No," said Ash "In fact I think we should leave." Ash then grabbed Suzy and the two left.

"We should probably go too." said Scott.

"Well alright." said Alex "But I'll drop by tomorrow to see what you think." Then all the S-Mart employees left leaving Alex by himself. He turned toward the cage of Mogwai and smiled. "Sorry, we still got a few more hours till midnight, and I don't want you to spoil your appetite." He then smiled and walked off.


	2. Gremlins II

The next day started off normal enough. Ash, Suzy, Scott and Frank all went about their duties at S-Mart without even mentioning what happened the night before. Ash felt confident that the whole thing would just blow over and he wouldn't have to see that pencil neck Alex again. Sadly of course this wasn't the case. After closing Alex approached the four in the parking lot again.

"Have you given any thought to my offer?" He asked.

"Listen up Pee-Wee Herman, We don't want your stinking job offers because unlike you scum at Hal Mart we got dignity." Ash said harshly.

"Hey man I'm down with you Alex." said Frank.

"What?!" shouted Ash in surprise.

"I'm still thinking about it too." said Scott.

"You guys have gotta be kiddn me right?" They didn't respond. "Spineless weasels, I thought you were S-Mart quality, top of the line, guess I was wrong. You deserve to be at Hal Mart." Ash shouted.

"Look I don't know if I-" started Scott

"Oh save it I don't want to hear your sob story."

"Well," said Alex "That's a yes for Frank, maybe for Scott, and a no for Mr. Williams. What about you Suzy?"

"Hmmmm, I guess it couldn't hurt to look around the store again." She replied.

"As you wish follow me."

"Oh Suz you gotta be kidding." said Ash.

"Look, I don't want to work there, I just want to see one of those Mogwai things again." Suzy whispered. Ash sighed in frustration. "Why don't you come along Ash, please"

"No way Jose," said Ash. "I wouldn't set foot in there to save my life."

* * *

"Fine." she said walking away with Alex, Frank and Scott.

"Well here it is again." said Alex to the group. Again the lights were dimmed and they were the only ones in the store. "I believe you all know the basics, does any one have any questions this time?"

"Um…" started Suzy "Could we see those Mogwai things again. Alex froze and paused, he then smiled and stated.

"Why… of course you can." He then led the group over to the pet department where they saw the same cage covered with a white sheet. "Here you are." he said removing the sheet. Suzy gasped. The others looked to see that the cage was empty.

"They're gone." said Frank.

"Those little critters must have figured out how to open their cage." said Alex. "Help me look for them." The four then began to look around the pet department for them.

"Found one." said Scott.

"Where?" asked Alex surprisingly.

"He was under the table, little guy looks scared." Scott picked up the Mogwai who was shivering in fright.

"Oh let me hold him." said Suzy grabbing the little monster. "Your name is Gizmo isn't it?" the Mogwai nodded. "Oh you understood me you are too cute." Then Gizmo noticed Alex standing behind Suzy giving him a dirty look. Gizmo began to ramble in a series of squeaks and mumbles pointing at Alex. "Oh he's trying to tell us something." Suzy then turned toward Alex who quickly gave a smile. "You like Alex?" guessed Suzy. Gizmo shook his head no. He then pointed at the table and began rambling again. They looked to see a small piece of paper. Scott picked it up.

"What's it say Scott?" asked Suzy.

"They're rules for taking care of Mogwai." he said. "Rule one never expose them directly to sunlight or other bright objects as this may kill them. Rule two never get them wet, as they multiply in water." The group then looked at Alex who gave a nervous smile. Scott continued. "Rule three, never, under any circumstances feed a Mogwai after midnight, this causes their metamorphosis to gremlins."

"Gremlins?" asked Suzy turning to Alex, but he was gone. "Where'd he go?"

"Look!" shouted Frank pointing up at a shelf. Sitting on it was a slimy green shell with a large hole in it. "What is it?"

"It looks like a cocoon." said Scott. Scott and Suzy then looked at the paper and then each other.

"You don't think-" started Suzy, but then a small green creature jumped up and bit Scott on the shoulder. Frank then grabbed the monster and threw it on the ground.

"What is that?" asked Frank.

"I think it's a gremlin." said Scott holding his shoulder.

"Let's get the hell out of here yelled Suzy. The three then ran off. As they were running another gremlin jumped off a shelf at Scott. Scott managed to catch it and threw to the ground and keep running. They finally made it to the exit.

"It's locked!" said Frank pulling on the door. "That son of a bitch locked us in!"

"How many of those things do you think there are?" asked Suzy.

"There were six in the cage and Gizmo here didn't transform, so there should be five gremlins." said Scott. Just then two more gremlins jumped out to tried and kill the group. The three ran down a nearby isle.

"That's it!" said Frank stopping suddenly, "those things are like a foot tall, we can take them." Just then a raspy voice called out "bye bye"

The group looked up to see a gremlin on the top shelf holding a microwave. He then threw it down and it landed on Frank's head killing him.

Suzy then let out an ear piercing scream which was heard by Ash all the out in the S-Mart parking lot.


	3. Gremlins III

Suzy and Scott looked around for possible escapes, but there were two gremlins at both ends of the aisle. The small green creatures then all gave a nod to each other and began snapping in unison, they then slowly advanced toward the two remaining S-Mart employees. The gremlin on the top shelf then began laughing hysterically at the scene below. Then there was a loud crash at the front entrance of the store. Everyone, gremlins included, looked to see that a 73 Oldsmobile had crashed through the front door. Two of the gremlins charged the vehicle, only to be caught in its headlights. The monsters were blinded by the lights and began screaming in pain.

Ash emerged from the car with his boom-stick (a double barreled sawed off shotgun) and fired one round at both gremlins killing them. The three remaining monsters ran off in fright. Suzy and Scott ran toward Ash.

"I told you Hal Mart was a hell-hole, they got demons and everything." said Ash.

"They aren't demons Ash they're gremlins." said Scott.

"You mean Russian cathedrals?" asked Ash.

"No Ash," said Suzy. "They started off as those Mogwais, then they turned into these monsters."

"Well what about that one?" said Ash pointing his boom-stick at Gizmo, "How long till he changes?" Gizmo began shivering at the sight of the gun.

"He won't transform." said Suzy shielding him from Ash. "The only reason the others did was that they ate after midnight, and from what we can gather Gizmo didn't."

"Alright fine," said Ash lugging his trusty chainsaw on his back. "Where's Alex?"

"We don't know." replied Scott "He ran off before they attacked and he locked us in."

"Well the door's open now, you two take my car and get out of here I'll track down those monsters." Suzy and Scott ran to the car and tried to open the door but it was locked.

"Ash do you have the keys?" asked Suzy.

"Yeah they're right…" Ash paused to search for them only to realize he had locked them in the car. He gave a nervous laugh. "Is there any way you can squeeze around the car. The two replied with a cold stare. "Alright, new plan you Wait here, and

I'll go kill those monsters. Ash then walked off hoping to end this as quickly as possible.

Ash had been searching for several minutes but hadn't found any gremlins yet. He then heard strange noises coming from electronics. He hurried over. Once he got there he noticed a wall of televisions with a gremlin's face on each screen. He realized that there had to be a camera close by. He soon found the gremlin making faces into a camera that projected his face to the TVs. Ash quickly shot the creature before it had time to react.

"Clean up on aisle three." Ash said noticing the green puddle of blood the gremlin left behind. Ash continued walking when all of a sudden he tripped on something causing him to drop his gun. He realized that he had tripped on one the gremlins. It stared at Ash now at eye level and gave an evil smile. He was soon joined by the last gremlin who began to laugh in a low raspy voice. Ash began crawling away backwards when he hit some thing. He turned to see a janitor's mop and water. Ash quickly grabbed the pail and threw in the gremlins' face.

"Drink up snot goblins." Ash said he then scrambled towards his gun and pointed it at the creatures only to realize that they had multiplied. Now instead of two there were now several dozen. The made so much noise Ash could barley think, he then realized they were all starring at him. Realizing the danger he was in Ash fired a blast into the crowd killing a couple. The rest then charged him. Ash screamed in panic as he began to run. Ash then noticed a door up ahead. Ash, didn't even stop, he simply ran right into the door, which luckily opened. Ash staggered in closed and locked the door behind him. Ash then noticed he was in a small office and standing in there next to him was Alex.

"You!" Ash said "You set us up, you locked us in here knowing full well that these things were in here.

"Now Mr. Williams" said Alex carefully sliding his had toward his desk "I assure you-"

"What are you doing?" interrupted Ash. Ash then saw something he didn't expect on the desk wasn't a weapon or some treasure but the necronomicon. Ash's eyes quickly widened. Alex's face then became deformed and grotesque and he began laughing in a dark demonic way. He also began floating in the air.

"You're a deadite." said Ash.

"That's right Ash." said Alex "Too long have you been a thorn in our side stopping our plans of world conquest. You've managed to kill every demon we sent to kill you, but not this time. You aren't facing deadites you're facing gremlins so let's see how you "the chosen one" handle it Ahahahahaha."

"So what does this mean?" asked Ash.

"It means I purposely possessed the new manager of a Hal Mart next to your precious S-Mart to lure you in, and now the gremlins will finally finish you off."

Just then Alex's computer began to spark and gremlin burst from the hard drive and bit Alex's leg.

"Gaaaahhhhhh!" Alex screamed. Ash then took the opportunity to grab the necronomicon. "My book!" cried Alex. Then a second gremlin dropped from the ceiling onto Alex's back.

"I'll leave you and your playmates alone." said Ash unlocking the door. He took a deep breath knowing the odds. He then opened the door and instead of seeing dozens he only saw a hand full. He shot both rounds from his gun at the creatures and ran by the survivors. Ash was in a full on sprint he knew that he could possibly use the book to defeat these things, but he had to check on Suzy and Scott first. But suddenly Ash tripped again and face planted into the tiled floor. He looked around and saw that he was surrounded by gremlins. But rather then attack they all began to chant in there low raspy voices, "Kill him! Kill him!" Then Ash heard a chainsaw revving up behind him.


	4. Gremlins IV

Ash turned around and saw a horrific sight. Standing there was a gremlin holding a small chainsaw. It gave a laugh then put on a hockey mask. Ash scrambled to his feet. He looked around for some means of escape put there were too many gremlins. Then the masked gremlin took a swing at Ash's feet. Ash managed to dodge it but lost his balance and feel on his back (again). The gremlin then crawled up on Ash's chest and held the chainsaw above its head. The creature then paused and looked up. Curiously Ash looked with him. Sitting on a shelf was a gremlin dressed as a César. The gremlin held its thumb out sideways and the crowd went silent. He then pointed thumbs down and the gremlins began laughing joyfully. The masked gremlin then began to wind up ready to plunge the saw into Ash's head. Then the creature struck, but Ash caught the saw inches from his face using his metal hand. Sparks began to fly out in all directions. Both he and the gremlin struggled to over power each other; finally Ash was able to knock the saw out of its hands. Ash then punched the gremlin causing it to fall off him. Ash seized the opportunity and sprang to his feet. He then grabbed his own chainsaw and revved it up.

"Heads up." said Ash coolly as he took off the masked gremlins head with a single swing. The other gremlins began to scream in panic as Ash began swinging at them. With a few good swings Ash was able to take out half of their numbers, the rest scattered. Ash took a moment to catch his breath; he then took off his metal hand and replaced with his chainsaw. He reloaded his boom-stick and went off to meet Suzy and Scott.

When he got to the front entrance he found they were gone, but his car was still wedged in place.

"There's no way they got out" Ash thought. Then he heard a scream from the other end of the store. On his way he encountered numerous gremlins destroying appliances. In yard care he saw three gremlins messing with a lawn mower. They managed to get it to work but the blade cut one of them to bits. The other too laughed hysterically.

"Didn't you read the warning label?" asked Ash getting the gremlins attention. He then shot both of them and continued. Next Ash saw a couple of gremlins got into a coffee maker and had drunk several cups. Their eyes were two times normal size and blood shot. They were also bouncing up and down shouting "Coffee coffee." Ash saw this and remarked.

"You know, they saw caffeine is bad for your health," Ash then shot both, "I guess its true." Ash then encountered a gremlin dismantling a DVD player. Ash went to say something but stopped. The gremlin simply stared back at him. Then Ash went to say something else, but stopped himself again. The gremlin stared back. "Aw screw it I don't have anything cool to say so just die." Ash then cut the monster with the chainsaw and continued.

At last Ash found Suzy and Scott cornered against the wall by what appeared to be every surviving gremlin in the store.

"Suzy!" Ash screamed.

"Ash!" she yelled, "Did you get them wet?!"

"Maybe a little."

"They multiply in water!"

"Well that would have been nice to know earlier! But it doesn't matter," Ash said holding up the necronomicon "This book can stop th-" Just then some one hit Ash's hand causing him to drop the book in the middle of the gremlins. Ash turned to see a badly scratched up Alex.

"The book will not help you now!" said Alex.

"You deadite dumbass." said Ash "Those aren't going to stop if they kill me, they'll go after you next, and if you plan to stop them you can't because you just gave them the book!" The deadite looked at his mistake in shock. He them let out a low growl.

"Alright, we'll have to work together to defeat these creatures." said Alex angrily.

"I hate the idea as much as you." said Ash.

"But when we retrieve the book I will destroy you!"

"Likewise." The two then rushed into the swarm of gremlins. Ash hacked and slashed with his chainsaw while Alex beat the creatures with his hands. Quickly the two were swarmed with gremlins all over them biting and scratching. Both were brought to the ground. It was in the confusion Ash saw that the necronomicon was moving. Upon a closer look he realized Gizmo was dragging it away from the distracted gremlins and bringing it to Suzy.

"Suzy!" Ash screamed "open the book say exactly what I say." Suzy opened the book and waited. Ash desperately tried to get the gremlins off but to no avail, he then shouted. "Klaatu barada nikto!" Suzy then repeated

"Klaatu, barada, nikto!"

"Noooo." screamed Alex. Instantly a portal opened sucking Alex, the gremlins as well as Ash. Ash reached out to Suzy as he was thrown into the vortex. Everything sucked into the portal was dropped to the ground. Ash looked around to see that they were in a desert, but most importantly it was in the daytime. Suddenly all the gremlins began to smoke and explode. Leaving just Ash and Alex.

"Well I guess I better make good on my promise." said Alex preparing to attack Ash. Ash revved up his chainsaw.

"Bring it on puss-face!" replied Ash.

**End of episode One**


	5. Tremors I

"**After Shock"**

Alex swung at Ash and hit his jaw. Ash countered with a swing of his mounted chainsaw which cut into Alex's side.

"You'll pay for this." screamed Alex.

"Make me." replied Ash. Alex then leaped at Ash, but Ash held out his chainsaw so that it went straight though Alex's chest. The deadite howled in pain. Ash then put his foot on the creature and kicked him off his saw. Alex looked at the gapping hole and his chest and snarled. Ash prepared for round two, but suddenly a mound of moving dirt came out of the desert and headed directly for Alex. The mound stopped right under him. Suddenly a giant worm like creature rose from the ground and swallowed Alex with a single bite. Ash stared in amazement as his old enemy was eaten alive, yet now he faced a new foe. The worm then turned toward Ash and opened its beak-like mouth. Three smaller worm creatures shot out of its mouth, one of them wrapped itself around Ash's ankle. The worm pulled Ash to the ground and began to drag him to the open mouth of the larger worm monster. Ash then remembered he had a chainsaw mounted on his right arm and with a single swing cut the smaller worm in half and freed himself. Ash sprang to his feet as the large worm screamed in pain.

"All right you giant turd." said Ash "You want to dance, then let's dance." The monster then retreated back underground. Ash smirked thinking he scared it off, but then the mound of dirt moved right toward Ash. Ash tried to sprint away but was too slow the creature caught up with him. It sprang up right underneath Ash and tried to swallow him whole, but Ash managed to grab hold of the side of its mouth preventing him from being eaten. Ash struggled to escape but to no avail. The monstrous worm was slowly pulling him further in. Suddenly a loud bang rand out and a large whole ripped through the worm. The creature moaned then fell to the ground dead. Ash emerged from the mouth of the beast half covered in slime. He scanned the horizon and saw what appeared to be a truck in the distance. He waved his good, and only, hand to signal to the vehicle. Ash then noticed that by the orange blood stained corpse of the giant worm were his boom-stick and metal hand. Ash quickly picked them up and turned to see the truck was almost there.

The truck arrived and out of the driver's side emerged a man wearing hunting gear and an Atlanta Hawks ball cap, he also had a mustache and was giving a Ash a look over.

"What in the hell are you doing out boy?" asked the man "And why do you have a chainsaw as a glove?"

"Hey I'll ask the questions here." said Ash. "First off who are you? Second where are we? And third why did a giant worm just try to eat me?"

"It ain't a worm it's a graboid." replied the man.

"A what?" asked Ash.

"Just get in the truck." said the man. Ash did as he was told and noticed in the bed of the truck was a rifle with a ten foot long barrel, no doubt what was used to kill the graboid. While in the truck the man introduced himself as Burt Gummer a survivalist who had been fighting graboids and other related monsters for years. He told Ash he was in Perfection, Nevada and that graboids, being endangered, actually saved the town from greedy land tycoons. After a while the two stopped at a large rock. There they got out and on the rock.

"I want to show you something." said Burt who pulled out a remote control truck from his bag. Burt then strapped a watch to the toy and a small block of c4.

"Are you out of your mind?" said Ash "That stuff could kill the both of us."

"Calm down Nervous Nelly." Burt then set the watch to a continual beep and drove it out into the desert. After a while a graboid came out of the ground and ate it. Burt gave a huge grin to Ash as he pushed a button. The graboid exploded instantly sending orange blood and guts flying everywhere.

"I don't get it." yelled Ash. "You said these things kept your town from being demolished by some guys yet you're blowing them up?"

"Look Ash these things metamorphosis around this time of year into something far worse then graboids, so we keep down the population, and really there's only one graboid we allow to live, because it's sterile and can't metamorphosis." Suddenly another graboid appeared from under ground to investigate the explosion. Ash reached for his boom-stick, but Burt stopped him. "That's the one we leave alone, an albino, we call him El Blanco. He's something of a tourist attraction around here."

"Really?" said Ash, "So let me ask you something, you won't kill it but we're an open buffet for it right."

"Relax," said Burt lighting a stick of dynamite. "Everything is under control." Burt then threw the stick away. The explosion caused El Blanco to investigate, giving Burt and Ash enough time to get in the truck and leave. "Let me show you the town."

* * *

The two arrived in town as marked by a wooden water tower, 'Perfection'.

Burt stopped by a building with a painting of a graboid on the side marked 'Chang's.'

The two walked inside the building and went up to the counter. A girl smiled when she saw them.

"Hey Burt," she said "Who's your friend?"

"Name's Ash, but you can call me anytime." said Ash coolly. The girl rolled her eyes and smirked.

"I found this moron wandering out in the desert, he almost became graboid chow. Ash this is Jodi. Her family has run this store since frontier days." said Burt. Jodi then noticed Ash's metallic hand.

"What happened?" she asked. Ash sighed and took a second to answer.

"I had just gotten into college and one weekend me and some friends decided to check out an old abandoned cabin. However inside we found the necronomicon a book of the dead, it unleashed a group of demons called deadites that possessed my friends and forced me to kill them. It tried to get me too but I cut off my hand before it got a chance. So I replaced it with a chainsaw, but that wasn't very practical so after the book sent me to 1300 A.D. I made a new hand out of a suit of armour. Actually the necronomicon is the reason I'm here, it opened a portal in Detroit and spat me out here in the middle of the desert." rambled Ash.

Jodi and Burt sat in silence for a while then Jodi said "And I thought you were crazy Burt." Burt then got a call on his walkie talkie.

"Hey Burt this is Tyler. You should come out here, there's something you should see."

"I'm on my way, come on Ash." said Burt and the two departed for Tyler's house. Once there Ash saw a man with a dusty baseball cap a t-shirt and some jeans on.

"It happened." said Tyler pointing out to the desert, at two split open graboid carcasses. "They've changed, we've got shriekers."


	6. Tremors II

Burt stood there for a few minutes analyzing both of the graboid carcasses.

"Well," he said "This one here produced six shriekers, and I'd say it happened only a few hours ago. While this one, made five little buggers. Now that might seem like good news but I'm guessin this one died a few weeks ago. How didn't you notice this one?"

"Was on vacation." said Tyler.

"Course, you go on vacation while 11 shriekers were born in you back yard. Perfect." said Burt.

"Would someone mind telling me what the hell's a shrieker?" asked Ash.

"They're the next stage in a graboid's metamorphosis. You see after a while a graboid produces little clones of itself. Then eventually the graboid dies and it's babies are released."

"So it's literally like opening a can of worms?"

"Not exactly shriekers, aside from their mouths, look nothing like graboids. They have two legs and live above ground, not to mention they hunt in packs."

"Oh they wouldn't happen to look like those things would they?"

The group turned, behind them stood six 3 foot high dinosaur like creatures.

"We shouldn't make noise right?" asked Ash. "They hunt by sound?"

"No, graboids hunt by sound, shriekers hunt by heat signature."

"I left my shot gun in your truck Burt." said Ash.

"I left mine in there too. All I've got is my knife." Burt said unsheathing his blade. "Tyler I don't suppose you've got any firearms handy."

"They're all in my house." replied Tyler.

"So what now?" asked Ash.

"We run, on the count of three." said Burt. The shriekers slowly began to move in. "One…two…THREE!" Burt then threw his knife and hit a shrieker on top of its head killing it. The three men then scattered. Burt and Tyler ran for Tyler's house while Ash headed towards Burt's truck. Ash noticed that two shriekers followed him and three went after Burt and Tyler.

Ash ran is fastest occasionally looking backward. The monsters were feet behind

Ash, nipping at him. Eventually he made it to the truck and locked himself in. He quickly began searching for his chainsaw and boom-stick. Then Ash heard a loud thud. One of the creatures had jumped on the hood of the truck. It looked at Ash through the windshield and unleashed a loud shriek. Then Ash heard another loud thud, the second monster had jumped on the roof. Ash stared up at the ceiling for a second when the monster's beak-like mouth burst through snapping wildly. Finally Ash came to his senses and punched the creature's mouth with his metal hand. The shrieker cried in pain then removed its snout from the cab.

Both shriekers then leapt off the truck next to the passenger side door. Ash braced himself ready to punch to first one that burst through the door. But to Ash's surprise, they didn't try to get through the door, they started rocking the truck in an attempt to tip it over.

"Cut it out you little freaks or I'll- Ahhhhhhh!" The shriekers succeeded and tipped the truck on its side. The shriekers shrieked with joy. Then one of them jumped onto the toppled car and looked through the window. Suddenly the door flew open launching the shrieker of the truck. The other looked on in confusion. Out from the tipped truck emerged a chainsaw handed, loaded boom-stick wielding, smart mouthing hero we've all come to know as Ash.

"Alright." he said "Who dies first?" The shrieker rushed Ash. Ash swung at the beast vertically with his chainsaw, cutting its head in half. Ash then heard another shriek. The shrieker thrown off the truck had risen back to its feet and was charging at Ash. Ash waited for it to get close then shoved his boom-stick in its mouth. The monster began to gag. Ash gave a smirk and pulled both triggers sending two rounds into the shrieker's mouth tearing its body to shreds. Ash then heard gun fire coming from Tyler's house and rushed over. When he got to the rear of the house he saw the bodies of two more shriekers. Little did Ash know that on the roof looking down at him was another shrieker.

The monster jumped off the roof at Ash but was shot knocking it off its path. Ash jumped at the sound of the gun. He turned to see Burt with a smoking hand gun. Ash then turned to the wounded shrieker.

"You want the honors Burt?" asked Ash.

"Sure do." Burt replied. Burt then fired several more rounds into the monster killing it. "Nice to see you made it to my truck." pointing at Ash's weapons.

"Yep, took out two of those suckers, but they did knock your truck over."

"No problem, that truck has survived everything you can imagine."

"I've got a car just like that back home in Detroit."

"Hey guys," said Tyler emerging from the house. "Shouldn't we hunt down the last five before they turn into ass-blasters?"

"Ok, please tell me you're making that up."

"Nope that's the third stage." said Burt.

"Well, that'll make my trash talking harder."

"I'm sure you'll think of something, now let's kill these things." said Tyler.

The three then up righted Burt's truck. Ash and Burt decided to look for the last shriekers while Tyler decided to go warn the town in his own car. Ash and Burt searched for a good hour and didn't see anything, when at last they saw a small silver trailer in the desert.

"Who lives out here?" asked Ash.

"Some idiot looking for free land." said Burt taking an M-16 out of the truck bed. The two then noticed that the trailer had a small coral with a dozen or so dead sheep ripped to shreds.

"Well this guys either one hungry S.O.B. or there's a shrieker in there." said Ash.

"I'll take point." said Burt. The two opened the door. "Anyone home?" The inside of the trailer was covered with blood. Burt entered cautiously. Burt then noticed that in the back of the trailer was, not a shrieker but an ass-blaster. It turned toward Burt and projected itself at him using combustible gas. Burt and the ass-blaster flew out of a window. Ash ran outside. He saw Burt lying on the ground. He then scanned the horizon and saw the ass-blaster was soaring through the air. Ash reached for his boom-stick but realized he left it in the truck (again!). What made things worse was that the monster was flying right toward him.

'Damn it.' Ash thought. "I'll just have to do this the old fashion way." Ash then revved his chainsaw and waited for the swooping ass-blaster. But before it reached him it was shot dead. Ash turned to see Burt holding his M-16.

"How many times, am I gonna have to save your ass?" asked Burt.

"I could have taken him!" yelled Ash.

"Of course you could of." said Burt. Ash then went to say something but was interrupted by Burt's walkie talkie.

"Burt, it's Jodi. There's ass-blasters attacking the store. (Crash) Help!"


	7. Tremors III

Burt and Ash parked a little way out from the store. They scanned around and didn't see any of the ass-blasters.

"Looks clear, you ready Ash?" asked Burt.

"Burt look I'm just as psyched to kick those ass-blaster's asses but I mean, we don't really have the equipment to take out four flying freak shows."

"Were you ever a boy scout Ash?"

"I can't say that I was."

"Well the first thing they teach is to also be prepared. Now I'm no boy scout but I am prepared." Burt then exited the truck and proceeded to take apart the bed of the truck. Underneath sat what seemed like an entire armory. Burt had a shotgun, a .44 magnum, a sniper rifle, a couple of hunting knives, several grenades, a mini gun, as well as his M-16.

"Burt, don't take this the wrong way but you're more loaded than Pam Anderson." said Ash. Burt smiled and began holstering the guns to his body, and carried the mini gun.

"Now then let's go say hi." Burt said. Suddenly an un-noticed ass-blaster swept down, picked up Burt, and flew away. Ash stood there in shock as he saw the ass-blaster take Burt away, there was noting he could do. Just then Ash heard a scream from the store. He pulled himself together and ran inside. There he met Jodi and Tyler face to face with an ass-blaster. The monster hissed as it saw Ash walk in.

"Let's go!" said Ash reaching for his boom-stick (which luckily he remembered.) However the creature jumped before Ash could get a shot off. The monster landed on Ash knocking him down. The ass-blaster stood on top of Ash and was about to bite his head off (literally!). But Ash managed to throw it off of him before it could bite down. Ash scrambled to his feet and revved his chainsaw. The ass-blaster turned toward him and took a crouching position. Ash then heard a sort of grumbling noise. The ass-blaster then shot a small jet of fire out of its backend. It flew at Ash at an incredible speed. The monster ran into Ash and the two of them went flying over the counter. Of course Ash was the one who hit the wall and fell to the ground while the ass-blaster stood on the counter and shrieked in victory. Suddenly something struck the monster on the head. It turned to face Jodi and Tyler who had begun to throw bags of chips, boxes of cereal, batteries, along with whatever else was on the shelves at the ass-blaster.

The monster then took a crouching position and made a low grumble preparing to launch it self at the two. Ash then emerged from the back of the counter and with one mighty swing of his chainsaw cut off both of the ass-blaster's legs. The rest of its body plopped on the counter screaming in pain. Ash then jumped up on the counter and put the boom-stick against its head.

"Ass-blaster meet buck shot blaster." Ash then fired a round into the beast's head killing it.

"Are you ok?" asked Jodi.

"Just fine baby, and so are you." replied Ash. Jodi then rolled her eyes and turned away.

"Where's Burt?" asked Tyler. Ash then became very solemn. He didn't say anything at first and Tyler and Jodi realized what happened.

"He didn't make it." said Ash after a while. Jodi began to cry as Tyler hugged her. Then the three heard three distinct noises that would change their mood very suddenly. The first noise was that of a gunshot from outside. The second was a loud shriek and the third was the sound of two loud thuds. The group ran out side to see Burt and a wounded ass-blaster lying on the ground. Burt staggered to his feet holding his magnum. He then turned to the ass-blaster and pointed the gun at it.

"This'll teach you to try and eat Burt Gummer, Monster Hunter!" Burt then fired the five remaining shots into the ass-blaster killing it.

"Burt! You're alive!" cried Jodi as she ran up and hugged him.

"Course I am, I ain't met a beast that could kill me yet." said Burt. Burt looked beaten up. His clothes were torn and he only had two guns left with him, his magnum and his shotgun and the magnum just ran out of bullets. "Oh and we might want to head inside."

"Why?" asked Ash.

"Because while that thing was taking me for a ride in the sky I noticed that El Blanco was headed this way." said Burt. The group then turned to see a mound of dirt moving toward them rapidly. The four quickly dashed inside. The building had been specially modified to protect against graboid attacks, however this didn't stop El Blanco. The graboid began ramming against the store from under ground. Shelves tipped over and the floor began to crack.

"To the roof." yelled Jodi. They then quickly made their way up a ladder that lead to a hatch on the ceiling that lead to the roof. Burt was the first one there. He opened the hatch then quickly shut it.

"We might have a slight problem with the roof." Burt said.

"What is it?" asked Tyler.

"Well…" Burt then opened the door so the others could see the last two ass-blasters circling the building.

"Alright," said Ash "let's make our choice do we want to be eaten by one big monster of two small monsters?"


End file.
